I had one friend who went through drug addiction. She talked to me about some of her difficulties and her rehab. She relapsed once, and that was after trying the traditional twelve step program. When she went back to rehab, she did research and found a different approach for her. While talking to me, she finished telling me how difficult it all had been, how hard it was to hurt her husband and children, but then she quickly added in, "but it was nothing like you battling cancer." I looked her in the eye and told her not to minimize her pain, that if she wanted to look at it this way, she could "This is YOUR cancer. This is what has hanged your life." She looked at me in a thoughtful way and the told me "I guess that is true."
When a person through cancer, they are worried about so many different things. I was worried about whether I would live or die, how we would ever pay for everything, whether I would get to see my baby grow up, how was I going to tell my parents who lived 1600 miles away, would I have to have chemo, would I have to go through radiation, how would my husband handle this since he lost his mother to leukemia (Leukemia and Lymphoma are bunched together), would I lose my hair, would I be able to take care of an infant, would the chemo give me nausea and vomiting, would I be able to keep working since I worked in a hospital, would I ever be able to have more children, what is chemo like, HOW IN THE WORLD WOULD I EVER GET THROUGH THIS??????? I felt fear mostly. Fear of dying, fear of putting my husband through watching another woman he loved go through cancer and maybe dying, fear of not growing old with the man I love, fear of not watching my little boy grow up, fear of not seeing his first steps, his first tooth. his first day of school, his first girlfriend, his high school graduation, his marriage, his first child, fear of going through chemo, fear of going through radiation, fear of putting my parents through losing a child, fear of so many things. As I said in one of my previous posts, I know when I die I will be in the arms of the Lord, but as a human, I was not ready to be there. I know it isn't my choice, but He had just blessed me with a beautiful baby boy, I wanted so much more than just a few weeks with him.
I was blessed with being able to talk to someone who was a few days away from starting chemo. We were in an elevator together. He saw that I was bald, so he asked me what chemo was like. I told him that I had significant nausea with each treatment and the vomiting was difficult for me on the first two days. I did let him know that it was different with each person, but that we are given a steroid IV prior to our chemo which helps some with the nausea and vomiting. We talked for a short time. He had a different cancer than me, but he was very scared.
I never felt uncomfortable not wearing a wig. As a matter of fact, the wig my sister so graciously bought me never felt right, so I didn't wear it. I never wore hats either, not even in winter. I honestly believe it was because God wanted me to be approachable to others. I had another person approach me with very similar questions a few weeks after that conversation. She was also very scared of chemo. I hope that I was able to help them even a little.
I do wish that I had taken advantage of the free patient support groups. I never went because I didn't want to add another burden on my husband. He was working full time, taking me to multiple appointments each week, taking care of me, and taking care of an infant. He was a police officer and worked the midnight shift. About 2 months after I started chemo (6 months into my diagnosis) the police dept. transferred him to day shift, allowed him to take all the time off he needed for my appointment without taking vacation, and at Christmas the Assistant Chief took him through the toys they had donated to them from multiple companies for the annual Christmas toy/food donations to needy families that are nominated by police officers. department wanted to make sure our 1 year old had good Christmas.
There are so many blessings that can come out of something like cancer, you just have to open your eyes and see what is around you instead of dwelling on the "what ifs". This is the time to say "What kind of person do I want to be???"
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