Thinking "out loud"

Hello all. Sorry it has been so long since I have posted.
Recently a friend was diagnosed with lymphoma. I have kept up with all the information that she and her husband have sent out. I have "watched" as she went through the same whirlwind of discovery, diagnosis, treatment plan, surgery, and then start of chemo. I have "listened" as she and her husband have maintained a positive outlook and reach out to God for His protection and love. But I think most of all what shines through is their total faith in His will for her life.
There are people out there who find out they have cancer and automatically think they are going to die (I did). These are the people who can't see the beauty in each sunrise they are blessed to see. These are the people who when they look into their loved ones' eyes they don't see the gift of love looking back. These are the people who when they hear a baby cry, they hear noise instead of a tender, helpless, innocent trying to ask for help. They are the people who see black and grey in everything instead of a vivid rainbow.
While being diagnosed with cancer is not a blessing (far from it!!), God uses everything about you to show you the blessings around you, you just have to be open to His influence.
I wish I knew the specific scripture, but the following words "God never gives us anything we can't handle" may be used often, but is very true. No, God doesn't make bad things happen to us, but He is right next to us with His loving arms surrounding us to catch us when we call out to Him for His help and love.
I was so lucky to be used by God for good during my cancer. I was blessed in many ways. My prayers for my friend is that she continue to hold tight to our Savior, hold tight to all her loved ones (and let them fuss over her-if she feels helpless just imagine how they feel), and look at everything around her with new eyes.
May God Bless her, her family, and all her loves ones.

Musings

I don't know if this has ever happened to any one reading my blog: sometimes after people have been complaining about an illness or difficult time in their life and they know I have been through cancer, they will quickly add "but it is nothing like what you have gone through." That hurts my heart. Yes, cancer is very difficult. There are so many levels a person has to be able to deal with to get through cancer.  But, I never want anyone to think their pain is any less just because they didn't have the "dreaded cancer."

I had one friend who went through drug addiction. She talked to me about some of her difficulties and her rehab. She relapsed once, and that was after trying the traditional twelve step program. When she  went back to rehab, she did research and found a different approach for her. While talking to me, she finished telling me how difficult it all had been, how hard it was to hurt her husband and children, but then she quickly added in, "but it was nothing like you battling cancer." I looked her in the eye and told her not to minimize her pain, that if she wanted to look at it this way, she could "This is YOUR cancer. This is what has hanged your life." She looked at me in a thoughtful way and the told me "I guess that is true."

 When a person through cancer, they are worried about so many different things. I was worried about whether I would live or die, how we would ever pay for everything, whether I would get to see my baby grow up, how was I going to tell my parents who lived 1600 miles away, would I have to have chemo, would I have to go through radiation, how would my husband handle this since he lost his mother to leukemia (Leukemia and Lymphoma are bunched together),  would I lose my hair, would I be able to take care of an infant, would the chemo give me nausea and vomiting, would I be able to keep working since I worked in a hospital, would I ever be able to have more children, what is chemo like, HOW IN THE WORLD WOULD I EVER GET THROUGH THIS??????? I felt fear mostly. Fear of dying, fear of putting my husband through watching another woman he loved go through cancer and maybe dying, fear of not growing old with the man I love, fear of not watching my little boy grow up, fear of not seeing his first steps, his first tooth. his first day of school, his first girlfriend, his high school graduation, his marriage, his first child, fear of going through chemo, fear of going through radiation, fear of putting my parents through losing a child, fear of so many things. As I said in one of my previous posts, I know when I die I will be in the arms of the Lord, but as a human, I was not ready to be there. I know it isn't my choice, but He had just blessed me with a beautiful baby boy, I wanted so much more than just a few weeks with him.

I was blessed with being able to talk to someone who was a few days away from starting chemo. We were in an elevator together. He saw that I was bald, so he asked me what chemo was like. I told him that I had significant nausea with each treatment and the vomiting was difficult for me on the first two days. I did let him know that it was different with each person, but that we are given a steroid IV prior to our chemo which helps some with the nausea and vomiting. We talked for a short time. He had a different cancer than me, but he was very scared.

I never felt uncomfortable not wearing a wig. As a matter of fact, the wig my sister so graciously bought me never felt right, so I didn't wear it. I never wore hats either, not even in winter. I honestly believe it was because God wanted me to be approachable to others. I had another person approach me with very similar questions a few weeks after that conversation. She was also very scared of chemo. I hope that I was able to help them even a little. 

I do wish that I had taken advantage of the free patient support groups. I never went because I didn't want to add another burden on my husband. He was working full time, taking me to multiple appointments each week, taking care of me, and taking care of an infant. He was a police officer and worked the midnight shift. About 2 months after I started chemo (6 months into my diagnosis) the police dept. transferred him to day shift, allowed him to take all the time off he needed for my appointment without taking vacation, and at Christmas the Assistant Chief took him through the toys they had donated to them from multiple companies for the annual Christmas toy/food donations to needy families that are nominated by police officers. department wanted to make sure our 1 year old had good Christmas.

There are so many blessings that can come out of something like cancer, you just have to open your eyes and see what is around you instead of dwelling on the "what ifs". This is the time to say "What kind of person do I want to be???"

A poem

While I was going through the cancer and chemo, I was inspired to write a poem. I don't promise that it is worthy of being published, but it explains how I felt through my chemo. Whenever I questioned if I could go through one more treatment, I would get this poem out and read it. It gave me the courage along with prayer to sit for 5 hours and have another chemo treatment.
Maybe this can help even one more person, I hope you see the encouragement in it like I did.

I Get-HE Got

Charlotte Chavous

Psalm 28-Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death;

I will fear no evil for Thou art with me. . .

I shall fear no evil as I go through this difficult time.

GOD is with me.

I get headaches-HE got thorns.

I get cola-HE got vinegar.

I get to sit-HE got the cross.

I feel the needles-HE felt the nails.

I get poisons my body can get rid of-HE got his blood spilled.

GOD knows what I am going through.

JESUS went through worse.

HE is there for me, every hour, every minute, every second.

It’s okay to cry-HE will hold me.

It’s okay to be scared-HE will comfort me.

It’s okay to lean on HIM-HE wants me to.

Being used by GOD

When you walk around bald, you get a lot of stares. That was me. I never could get interested in wearing a wig.
When you go through cancer, you have to make a choice: will you dwell on the negative and live in a pity-party or will you choose to look and find the positive?
It may sound cliche', but every morning I woke up and prayed to God thanking Him for letting me see another beautiful day. I thanked Him every night for another day with my baby and my wonderful husband.
And then there are things that happen to you that make you stop and wonder "Why did God choose me for that?"
One of those incidents happened to me. I realized that maybe I could help someone during this time.
I was sitting in the clinic going through my 5 hour chemo treatment when a young lady about the age of 25 or so sat down next to me and blurted out "How do you do it?" I was a little startled because I had never seen this lady before. So I asked her what she meant. She told me "How do you go through all of this and be so calm?" I explained that you end up doing what needs to be done. And then she got to the crux of her bewilderment. She said she couldn't understand how her mother could be so calm and accepting of her diagnosis. So I asked her if her mother was a Christian. She said yes. So I looked at her and said "Maybe she is calm and accepting because she knows that if she dies, she will be in heaven sitting next to God." She went on to explain how difficult it was for her to watch her mother go through all she has gone through, and now her blood counts were too low and they wanted her to have a transfusion. Well, her mother had refused the transfusion and this was tearing this young lady up. She, of course, wanted her mother to do everything she could to survive.
Then she got up and said that it was time to go with her mom to see the doctor again.
About 10 minutes later she came back and gave me a huge hug. She then explained that her mother had listened to our conversation and had decided to have the transfusion after all.
This was (and continues to be) a HUGE blessing for me. I was able to touch someone's life just by letting them know how I felt.
I believe that the mother was able to hear her daughter's side of this situation. Maybe she finally understood how scared her daughter was to lose her.
I honestly don't know. But I do know without a shadow of a doubt, that God used me to help someone else. WHAT A BLESSING to be used by GOD!

A Blessing

While I am sure there are people out there that think I am a nut because I think cancer is a blessing, let me assure you I am not. While my cancer helped define who I am today, I would not go back in time to go through it again. I would never wish cancer on my worst enemy. It is a difficult struggle. As a person you literally have to look your mortality in the eyes and decide what you will say to it.
I consider the fact that I did not go through denial. I knew before I ever went to the doctor that I had cancer. That gave me part of the courage I needed to fight.
It is interesting that after I watched my grandmother suffer through surgery and chemo for lung cancer is the mid 80's, I swore I would never have chemo if I was ever diagnosed with cancer. Lung cancer continues to be a difficult cancer to treat. It was very hard on my grandmother. I watched a strong woman wither away from the chemo and the cancer. All the chemo she had to suffer through and we still lost her.
But I believe God made sure I had my first baby before my cancer reared it's ugly face. Please, don't get me wrong, I in NO WAY think that God gave me cancer. Not by a long shot. I believe it was my faith that helped me make it through.
I never even considered NOT having chemo. As a matter of fact, all through my cancer I would repeat these words: "Thank the good Lord that it is me and not my son, or husband, or any other one of my family!" I truly was thankful that it was me going through this journey. And the only way I would ever willingly go through it again is to keep one of my loved ones from having to experience that same journey.
My parents live in a different state, so I had to call and tell them over the phone. I remember talking to my father. He wasn't a christian at that time. One of the first things he said to me was "Why would God do that to you?" Without taking any time to think I told him "Daddy, God isn't doing this, the devil is. But it is God who will carry me through."
I had prayed for my father to be saved since the day I was saved at the age of 17. It took 10 years and my journey of cancer to help bring my father to the Lord.
But as I said earlier, I believe God made sure I had delivered my first baby before my cancer showed itself. Part of what helped keep me going was looking at my infant grow and being determined to be there to see all of his milestones.
I have been told many times how strong I was and how I was an inspiration. I can't take any credit. The Lord gave me the strength to do what I needed to do. And that is all I did, I took life day by day.

Diagnosis

In April of 1996, I had just started back to work after having my first baby. I was excited to get back to work, feeling that life couldn't get any better. I had a wonderful husband and a brand new baby boy. It was within the first week of being back at work that I found my swollen lymph nodes.
I was sitting in traffic (wonderful rush hour traffic that creeps along) and had had long day. I rubbed my neck because it was a little stiff. I was surprised to feel bumps all over my neck. It was like someone had popped popcorn under my skin. It didn't hurt, but was very strange.
At that time I was a surgeon's assistant. I had assisted on numerous surgeries where a lymph node was removed and a diagnose of cancer was found.
I walked into my house, walked up to my husband and said "I have lymphoma. I'm gonna die."
I was very matter of fact, no hysterics. Me looked at me and said "No you don't. And no you won't." I replied that  made an appointment with our primary care physician for that week. When I saw him he had a concerned look on his face, but explained that fighting an infection could cause my lymph nodes to swell up. I was skeptical but agreed to try a week's worth of antibiotics.
When I returned for the follow up appointment, I had more lymph nodes pop up. These were above my collar bone. I saw the look on his face. Just like me he knew I had cancer. He explained that the next step was to see a general surgeon for a lymph node biopsy. I was scheduled with a surgeon that I worked with. I saw the surgeon within 5 days and we had scheduled the biopsy for 2 days later.
This biopsy is not one where they can look  at the tissue while you are in surgery (frozen section) and give you a diagnosis by the time you wake up from surgery. I had to wait 5 days for a diagnosis.
The surgeon and I agreed that if he received the results prior to my follow up appointment, he would call me. At that time, I was working in orthopedic (bone) surgery. The doctor and I played phone tag the day before my follow up. He had the results, but we just couldn't connect for me to hear them.
On the day I saw the surgeon for the results, my husband, my son, and I went into the office and were told that I had lymphoma. But the surgeon looked at me and said "But you already knew this didn't you?" I did. I was not surprised at all. I was diagnosed with Nodular Sclerosing Hodgkin's Lymphoma. That basically means that the Hodgkin's caused my lymph nodes to harden.
My next stop was an appointment with an oncologist. I was scheduled with the oncologist within 3 days. I was scheduled with one of the sweetest, kindest people I have ever met. Dr. D. Thompson was patient, explaining everything as often as we needed. He never made us feel like he needed to hurry up to get to the next patient.
Our first step with Dr. Thompson was an explanation of my diagnosis. Hodgkin's Lymphoma is one of the cancers that has a high cure rate. I was told 75% chance of remission. but truthfully, if you are the one diagnosed with Cancer, you see your chances as 50/50: either you die or you live.
We had to determine what stage my cancer was. I was scheduled for a CT scan and that day I had a bone marrow biopsy. If it was in my bone marrow, stage 4, my only option was chemotherapy.
My bone marrow was clear. My CT scans were inconclusive. My cancer was extensive above my diaphragm, the mass in my chest was borderline in size, but nothing showed below my diaphragm. If I only had the cancer above my diaphragm, the treatment was radiation, if it was below my diaphragm I would need chemo. Dr. Thompson was concerned that it was so invasive all the way to my collar bone, that it could very well be below my diaphragm. (At this time PET scans were not yet in use). We discussed having an exploratory surgery. I went back to my general surgeon and we scheduled a staging laparotomy (they opened my belly and took lymph node biopsies from multiple places. While he was in there the surgeon ended up removing my spleen because it was affected by the cancer.
I went back to my oncologist and our plan was made. I would have chemo every 2 weeks for 6 months. More scans would follow and if I still had some cancer I would continue the chemo for 2 months at a time.
I started my chemo (Adriamycin, bleomycin, vinblastine, and DTIC) within 3 months of my first diagnosis. It felt like it had been years since my first diagnosis.

Introduction

Hello. My name is Charlotte. I am a cancer survivor.
 I have 2 wonderful boys. When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma I was 27 and my oldest son was 4 months old  and I had been married for 4 years. I had worked in the medical field for 6 years  this time so I felt I had a good grasp on what I was facing. Boy was I wrong.
This blog is about what I faced and the blessings I received from my journey.
Thank you for joining me.